"The LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?"

- Psalms 27 : 1

Monday, August 13, 2012

Relationships : "It's Complicated..."

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A few days ago, I was about my business at work when two co-workers started talking about private matters in my presence. I tried ignoring the conversation & concentrating on what I had to do until they opened a door for me to step into their exchange. Apparently, girl B had been talking with girl A about girl A's "boyfriend". Girl A described how their relationship was up today & down tomorrow; how they'd fight & tried getting back together until one of them did something irritating; how she'd tried seeing her "boyfriend" but he'd stood her up; how she'd vowed to not speak to him again but had succumbed on the next day...etc. Of course, upon hearing all this, my humble question was "and he is your boyfriend?" Girl B confirmed so then quickly added with a bright smile, "don't worry, they're complicated...".

The words, "it's complicated" are so commonly used in describing relationships it has become acceptable. The conversation I'd had with my two dear colleagues had left me thinking & I knew they could see I was baffled. True, no relationship is ever a bed of roses 100% of the time or a blissful walk through the park but no relationship should ever have to be stamped with the words "it's complicated". Of course two people can be attracted to each other & be in a "complicated" situation that might be preventing them from entering a relationship or making it very difficult but a relationship?
The worst thing is that people use those words as an excuse to permit all kinds of things in on-going relationships which leads me to say, it's as if people don't mind those "complications" because in some way, it's a pass for them to do what they normally wouldn't do in a serious relationship.
Every relationship has it's ups & downs but both parties have to make the decision to either make it work or let it go. A relationship is a lot for work because whether you realize it or not, you are building something, and depending on how strong the foundation & structure is, it may last a very long time. You can't just throw your hands down when a little wind blows & say you want to take a break hoping for the wind to blow over but in the mean time, you're open to try your hands at new things.r.If a relationship is going through a sort of storm, those involved have to make a decision to face it together It's not the time for each one to find their own way only to meet again when the sun comes out. If you cannot weather the storm together now, there is little chance you'll be able to do it later on. Saying, "it's complicated" is like saying, "it's on hold". As I stated earlier, it's either you work at it or let it go.
Because : Firstly, it's not fair on both people involved to waste time waiting for when the so-called complication will pass. Secondly, a relationship is all about communication. If you are finding it hard to communicate whatever issues you may be having in your relationship then you are not really building a relationship. 
Different elements lead to this "it's complicated" phrase :
1.pride. Being too proud to voice your concerns, fears & weaknesses will eventually lead to ups & downs in a relationship and without change, it's inevitable fall.
2.no trust. Do I really need to stress this? A relationship with no trust is like a house built on sand. You know the rest.
3.fears. Being too fearful, especially when it comes to trusting the other person, can crash a relationship.
4.jealousy. This is a symptom of lack of trust & paranoia. Jealousy should not stem in a relationship for the sake of it because it can be very dangerous & even deadly to it. 
5.plans. Plans you have made might clash with plans the other person might be working towards. This is where you really need to voice out & communicate in order to find a common ground.
6.pains. Excess baggage from other relationships can make your partner seem like what they are not to you. You cannot be comparing your past partner(s) to your present one or believing they will hurt you just like the other(s) did. This just creates a rift in a relationship.
7.Concerns. If your partner is treating you or acting in a way you are not pleased with then you need to speak out. Change might be just a conversation away and if not, maybe he/she is not for you.
8.one way street. A relationship is a two way street that requires the same amount of input from both ends. A one way relationship is not a relationship at all. The one doing all the work will be quickly worn out along with the relationship itself.
9.inability to let go. Letting go of a relationship can be quite hard & scary. After everything you've built, now it's time to let go? What is next? However, sometimes it's just necessary, especially when you know this for sure. Many seem to continue hitting the same dead end yet continue in the same relationship when they know very well there is no future for it. A partner is not security, though many seem to think otherwise. A relationship does not make you who you are but it's who you are that makes your relationship. If it's time to walk out, you should be able to with your head up high, not afraid, & broken as if you are leaving a part of you behind. Yes, you have invested in that relationship but guess what? There is more where that came from; you still have that ability and more in you to build something bigger & stronger.

Once again, no relationship is easy & saying "goodbye" could be just as hard as laying the foundation but when what we have build begins to fall apart, we need to know whether it's worth sweating for all over again or not. We also need to be aware that when in a relationship, there is no in between. It's either both of you or not. You can't both be ignoring outstanding issues in search of "something else" for the mean time neither can one person alone rebuild a relationship. "It's complicated" is no way to tag a relationship - whatever the issue because every relationship has it's unique complications, troubles, trials & issues. No relationship is coated with honey 24/7. If it's still a work in progress, let "we're working at it" be your motto & if you know it's a dead end, then let it go.


11 comments:

  1. Why does anyone want to be part of a complicated union? Real relationships are usually not that intricate . . . either you are in one or you are not. Seems to me that added the "it's complicated" tag allows for disrespectful behavior, which gets a pass because the "relationship" is not serious enough to warrant more. Breaking up and getting back together and being stood up but reunited the following day (on his terms) sounds to me like a whole lot of disrespect and immaturity. But what do I know? . . . I'm not on the dating scene anymore. But if I were, I'd be kicking that Girl A boyfriend loser to the proverbial curb. Not for nothing but when she sees herself as worthy of better treatment, she'll get it.

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    1. Well said sis!
      People use the "it's complicated" label to let in all kinds of nonsense. I also believe girl A's boyfriend is just disrespecting her and she just can't see it. Indeed, when she does she'll get the respect she deserves.
      Thank you for your input sis...dating, whether now or before should always have the same standards ;)

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  2. So well said Funbi! I hear that tag all too much. I think I even heard someone once say they'd always wanted to put that tag on facebook or something. *shakes head*. People (especially ladies) nowadays seem to want to let anything pass. NO! It shouldn't be that way. If it's too complicated then it shouldn't be. Period. And I agree with @JazzWife about immaturity. Too many immature people out that that need to grow up before they even think about being in a relatonship with someone else. Enjoyed reading this :)

    Tell the World

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    1. You are right sis! That label is just permission for all kinds of nonsense which defies the meaning of a real relationship. You are also right about immaturity!
      Glad you enjoyed reading. Thanks for your input!

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  3. Great post! You should either be working on your relationship or letting it go, "its complicated" really shouldn't have a place.

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    1. Thank you sis!
      Yes indeed, you are right sis!

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  4. Well... There's part of true and less true in this. *Sorry for my english... French speaker!* What if the guy just went out of a relationship three months ago, and is not ready to have a serious thing straight away cause he has been hurted. But that he's still love spending time with the girl (not for sex) and want to let things go slowly without planning everything. Does it seem like a joke? Or that's understandable?

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    1. Salut Ladi!
      Firstly, I really commend you on your English!
      Secondly, I understand what you mean however, your example does not depict a difficult relationship rather a difficulty to enter into one. Of course one can one to take it slow with someone...it's totally understandable however it's not the same thing as already being in a relationship with the person and messing about because things are "complicated".
      Hope that was clear!
      Merci d'être passée! :)

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  5. Just found ur blog!!!! N I'm loving it!!! :D .....I pray for more grace for you :)
    The Fashion Engineer

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    1. Hey! Thank you for stopping by! Glad you like the blog :)
      AMEN.
      God bless you richly sis!

      Delete

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